The Top 10 Things I Never Want to Read About on Facebook

At any given time, someone, somewhere on the internet is annoying the hell out of you.  It might be me with this list.  But here are the things I never want to read about on Facebook...

1) How badly you need to:

• Bathe
• Clean your house
• Walk the dog
• Eat
• Go to sleep

I have found that trolling on Facebook is not very conducive to getting those things accomplished.  To all of these statuses, I want to reply, "So, umm, go do it."

2) Vague open ended statements about:

• How depressed you are ("Sadness envelopes me like a sweater knit with orphan tears")  Cries for help are just sad on Facebook.  It's hard to feel bad for you when I have a banner ad asking me to "like" Cheetos.  Mmmm...Cheetos...oh, wait, what's this about orphans?
• Passive aggressive digs at people who you know are reading your status ("Well, at least I know how you feel now....")  You know what you've just told the world?  Someone is mad at you and finally called you out on your BS.  To that mystery person I give 10,000 kudos!  
• How someone did you wrong ("I have NEVER been so pissed!")  What happened?  Why so pissed?  Who are you pissed at?  And does anyone ever get answers to these questions?  Nope!  So why make it a public proclamation?  If you're going to talk about how pissed you are, then please, by all means, give us the juicy details, otherwise these statuses are the siren song of the emotionally needy.
• What you did last night complete with 12 tags of everyone who was there & some obscure inside joke ("SO much fun last night hanging out with Blah and Blah-Blah and Blahbity-Blah-Blah. Next time friends, I'll leave the Arby's sauce at home!! LOLOLOLOL!!)  I like friends, I love my friends, but there's something extremely annoying about not being in on the joke.  If you have 800 friends and your status applies to 4 of them, just post something on their walls, or better yet, send a message and keep us out of your Arby's sauce fiasco.
• Something good that happened to you with no explanation ("OMG, OMG, SUCH a great day, SUCH exciting news!  Ahhhhhhhh!!!!)  This is always inevitably followed by a dozen or so comments asking what the hell it is you're so excited about.  And despite your rush to proclaim your joy to the world, you are conspicuously offline when people actually want to know what's going on.

 3)  Here's a memes that needs to go away quickly-

 "Dear (Inanimate Object), (insert complaint/comment/feedback, at said object), (insert suggestion for improvement), (insert timeframe by which improvement should be enacted), Sincerely/warmly/kind regards/respectfully/ yours truly/ or worst of all- your friend/ (insert name here)

Example

Dear Michigan, I know I've lived here all my life and should be used to the cold weather, but seriously, stop being so cold.  I would really like for you to be 10 degrees warmer by Saturday.  Kind regards, Nancy

This format stopped being clever at the exact moment when 1,000,000 people all thought they were the first and most creative at using it.

4) Any status that ends with "just sayin'".  This has become the cyber version of "no offense",. as in "Ugh, this lady at my work is so fat and yet she feels the need to eat pizza for lunch!  Just sayin'"  Ohhhh, you're just "sayin"?  Ok, cause I thought you were just being a mean horrible person for a second, but if all you're doing is "sayin'" then, alright, carry on.  

Also, "epic" is a strongly overused word.  Tolkien wrote epic novels.  The US Hockey team's win at the 1980 Olympics was epic.  Getting a bonus onion ring in your order of fries from Burger King does not an epic win make.

5) Any status that ends with "fml" UNLESS:  you're a victim of a hurricane, you have lost your home in a fire, your car got jacked, your identity was stolen, you lost your wallet in a cab, or your name is David Hasselhoff.  If these don't apply then please visit www.whitewhine.com for some commiseration.  

6)  Statuses that go on and on and on and on about how sick you are.  Letting us know you're sick is fine.  Saying it 20 times in the span of 1 afternoon complete with a play by play of what's coming out of your nose and what your current temperature is, is not fine.  When I'm sick I'm usually in bed, you know, trying to get better.  If you want to be sick and spend all day on Facebook instead of going to work, that's cool with me, but posting 800 You Tube videos is not a form of penicillin.  Your coworkers who you gave your cold to all showed up to work and are annoyed that you're too sick to be there as their feed blows up with your constant stream of links and likes. 

7) Cnstntly mispeling words bc you ar typing on your phone.  And for the love, please just turn off auto correct.  Has auto correct EVER been correct?  Hey Auto Correct!  Who's the President of the United States?  Oh, Broccoli Omaha? Yeah, that's what I thought!

8) Another cyber version of "no offense":  adding a little heart symbol or LOL at the end of a nasty comment doesn't make it all better.  "No offense, but..."  BAM!  Instantly offended no matter what comes next.  "Anyone who still watches Big Brother is a lonely shut in with no life, no friends and no hope for the future. LOL."  Yes, I am totally laughing out loud as I sit here watching Big Brother crying into my lonely single serve Hot Pocket

9) Laundry lists of your daily activities.  I believe Jersey Shore set the precedent that these lists can contain no more than 3 items- gym, tan, laundry.  You don't get life points for how much crap you can cram into one day or bonus points for listing it all out.  "Breakfast, gym, work, home, school, dinner, movie, sleep."  Whoa, whoa, whoa--dinner AND a movie??  Now THAT is an amazing day!

and finally

10) Spoilers for TV shows!!!!  Some of us have DVRs so we can watch these shows without commercial interruption.  But there is a statute of limitations in play.  I once read a friend's status about the finale of a show that had been off the air for a year.  Another friend was all "Some of us haven't watched it yet, thanks a lot!!"  Well guess what?  Soylent Green is people, Bruce Willis was dead the whole time and Darth Vader is Luke's father...oops...sorry I should have said spoiler alert!

Don't worry if you have said these things, if you run a hypocrite check on my past status updates I'm sure I'm guilty too.  But if we all work together, we can make the internet a much less annoying place!  What are your Facebook pet peeves?